wonderful {

i wonder what people think about in their last moments. at this point, i've seen a lot of people die. some peaceful. some violent. some old and some young.

you're 90 and stuck in a hospital bed. family's miles away and nothing keeps you company except the beeping of monitors and screaming. you don't fall for the fake smiles of the nurses anymore. you can only stare at ceiling tiles, counting the legs on flies or iv drips. as you slowly wither.

years ago, i learned of terminal lucidity. patients with severe neurological disorders that normally can't function suddenly having a relapse of consciousness and clarity in their moments before death. some say it's a defense mechanism: our brain races to find some memory that can help us survive in desperate situations.

it's cruel. to finally understand all that's taken away before your chapter closes. to remember all of your loved ones before you say your goodbye. a final candle is lit before that too, is pinched out.

i think i'd rather die dumb.

***

if i could pick any superpower, it would be time control. reversing, fast forwarding, freezing, you name it.

it might take a lot away though. there would be no such thing as a last goodbye. there wouldn't be a first hello. i'd never miss anyone. and missing people is part of the cumulative human experience that i'm taught to appreciate. they say that the beauty of life is in its limits. they say that death gives meaning to life, and that satisfaction only comes when we realize the value of our ephemeral existence. like fireflies, they say. glow, glow, and glow until you die. like morse code. meaningless if you keep it on.

still, i want it.

***

i like the number four. i think four gets a really bad reputation in asian culture. because four in mandarin (sì) sounds like the word for death (sǐ). it's why a lot of buildings have no fourth floor and why no one wants a phone number with more fours than eights.

four gets treated too poorly. four is a perfect square, and the first one other than boring 0 and 1. four is 2 times 2, 2 plus 2, and 2 to the power of 2. four is the number of seasons and cardinal directions and strings in a violin. four is the only number that has as many letters as it describes. 

but i think four is great because four words are all i need to describe yesterday's lunch and the meaning of life. i can use four words to describe my deepest fear and my greatest passion. four words to dedicate my life to. i like four so much that i'd type it four times. 4444.

coolest number for me.

***

i wonder if they still think of me from time to time. it doesn't have to be for a while. there's a lot of people that have made me who i am. i still sop up leftover yolk from my breakfast eggs with toast and tie my shoes with two bunny ears and color outlines before i fill the inside. they have taught me everything and they don't even know it. 

remember those times when our problems were bigger than the world? when every day was spring. when the world had just a little more color and a little more love. when "next time" meant tomorrow. when sun meant dance and night meant silence. when we were wonder full. when..;

,,,when can i see you again?

} 2025.09.27