melatonin {

i took melatonin last night. i thought it'd be a good thing for my sleep habits. 

i took melatonin and i fell asleep quickly. it did its job as advertised. ten out of ten product performance.

i must have slept for eleven hours. it was the most i've gotten in a while. it felt nice. i got up and made it through the day without caffeine. i was pretty proud of myself. it just sucks now because i'm still awake, sixteen hours later, at two a.m. can't fall asleep.

should i take it again?

***

i love writing too much to let it go. i thought i'd be done with it. let the words just kind of float on the internet somewhere. maybe people would find it. i wouldn't mind if they didn't. i think i wish people didn't find it more often than i wish they did.

i don't like poems anymore. too restricting and too cryptic. like the chocolate bit at the bottom of the drumstick, too much work to finally get to what you want. i'd quit halfway through the ice cream part anyways.

i think i'd rather write short meaningless articles. like a diary or journal of sorts. i don't like to use big words because i don't like to think in big words. call me hemingway, or something.

***

i like getting up with the sun, so i keep my curtains open when i sleep. that way, the sun rises perfectly into my room and lights it up. sometimes, i wish i could get up before the sun does, so i could look out and watch it rise. and say, "haha shithead, i beat you to it this time."

my parents don't really like this habit. they say i should get more sleep. i hate this idea, because the curtains block out so much light you'd think it was nighttime anyways. while i like being awake at night, i don't like getting up in it.

the mornings are kinder to me anyways. i like being awake while the world is groggy, slouching and sliming its way out of bed. i like getting everything and nothing done in the few hours i have before the world has its morning coffee to tackle its long long day.

***

i think about people a lot. sometimes i wish i could explain what it is to be a people hater and a human lover. what it feels like to not want to talk to people yet still want to know them. i think i would need a new language for that. it's like being an alien trying to collect data on a new species. or maybe i'm the new species.

as little as i talk to people i feel like i understand them pretty well. humans all have a desire to feel important. they all have a desire to feel loved. they all have a hunger for direction. they all have a capacity to desire. humans sometimes love something so much they'd die for it. isn't that fascinating?

anyways, i don't know if i'll ever get the chance to trust a person. but i think i can make do with loving a human instead.

***

have you found love yet? i asked the silence. silence doesn't normally reply. she's probably too busy for stupid questions anyways. she's probably still out there doing whatever silence does. like flying kites or strolling down beaches or going to bars or breaking hearts or whatever.

***

night calls.

} 2025.08.16